Last-last Tuesday evening/early morning, I watched what can only be described as one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. In fact I think it was one of the worst things my eyes have ever seen. I’m gonna use a cliché here, but it was like watching a car crash or a terrible accident. You know it’s awful, and you know you shouldn’t be looking at it, but I just couldn’t drag my eyes away from it.
This film is called “The Beast of the Bering Sea”, and had a rating of one star on Netflix. This should’ve been enough to stop me from watching it, but my housemate, a lover of horror movies (Both B and A grade) put it on and I was mesmerised by the pile of crap being shoved into my skull. In order to give you an unbiased and accurate idea of the movie, I’ve taken this plot summary from IMDb-
Dive into the depths of unspeakable terror as ‘Sharknado’’s Cassie Scerbo comes face to fin with a swarm of bloodsucking sea monsters in this suspense-drenched chiller co-starring Jonathan Lipnicki (Jerry Maguire), Brandon Beemer (TV’s “The Bold and the Beautiful”) and Kevin Dobson (TV’s “Knots Landing”). While dredging for gold beneath the Bering Sea, siblings Donna (Scerbo) and Joe (Lipnicki) are confronted by a horde of horrific sea vampires. When their father (Dobson) falls victim to the insatiable creatures, Donna and Joe join forces with a dedicated marine biologist (Jacqueline Fleming, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) and a loyal deckhand (Beemer) to kill or be killed by the beasts.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I do know that there has been a huge revival of horror B-movies in recent years, and I do know that they are now made to be intentionally bad. But the thing is, I don’t think this film is trying to be bad. It’s TOO bad to be trying to be bad. It seems like it really does take itself seriously, whereas in terms of ‘Sharknado’ or ‘Megashark vs Crocosaurus’ you can tell that, while the actors portray their characters completely straight-faced, they aren’t taking the film seriously, and neither are the directors or writers. In the case of ‘The Beast of the Bering Sea’ or ‘Damn Sea Vampires’, it’s very difficult to tell whether it’s intended to be a straight-faced horror or a comedic tribute to B-movies. The alternative title, ‘Damn Sea Vampires’ certainly implies that it’s meant to be the latter, but it just doesn’t come across that way when you’re actually watching it.
It’s so bad that I’m not sure how much I can actually write here, because I don’t want to be mean about it, and I don’t want to sound like a movie snob. It’s tough, guys…
Let’s just go through some of the key points that a movie is generally made around. I would say that plot, dialogue, direction, editing, acting, characters and special effects are the elements that generally make a movie. So, let’s go through those.
- Plot… There’s definitely a plot, I’ll give them that. Although, it’s very tough not to have any plot at all, so it’s not that much of achievement. The question is whether it was a good one or not, and I’m gonna say no. It was not a good plot.
- As for dialogue, I’ve heard more natural conversation come from a man under duress trying to convince his son that the police aren’t at home waiting for him and won’t tackle him to the floor the moment he steps in. Or, as another comparison, Stephen Moffat has written dialogue better than this pile of crap, and you know how much I don’t like Moffat’s writing.
- I’m not even sure this movie had a director, I think they just did whatever the hell they wanted to do whenever the hell they felt like it.
- I usually don’t pick up on the editing of film, because I don’t generally delve into the technical aspects of a movie. But it’s nearly impossible not to notice the poor cuts and continuity in the shots. School kids can do, and have done, a better job on Windows Movie Maker.
- I’ve already mentioned the acting in this film, and for actor/actresses who’ve actually been in films, it’s truly awful to watch.
- As for the characters they play, are there actually people like this in the world? I’d like to meet them if there is. More out of a morbid curiosity than anything else.
- And now my favourite, special effects. I’ve always had a fascination with special effects, and I love figuring out how someone has created a certain effect or model. My housemate and I figured out that they must have created the monsters out of a bin bag and some googly-eyes glued onto it. I’m being serious. And to prove it, here’s a picture of the monster-
Now here’s a bin bag in a tree that my housemate Grant saw on his way to university-
A startling resemblance…
Just to take it further, here’s one I made earlier-
(If you or your kids want to make a Sea Vampire too, then just grab a black bin bag, cut it open down the seam, fold it into a triangle, glue on some crazy eyes, and then glue on a big, grinning mouth with great big shark teeth! You can be a special effects artist too!)
Yeah, so it’s not exactly state of the art special effects, but they could at least put some more effort in.
I said I was trying not to be too horrible about this one, but to be honest I think I failed in that respect… I’m sorry Lipnicki, I’m just in a really cynical mood today. The one positive thing I have to say about this film is that I couldn’t stop laughing the whole way through it, but that’s not down to the film, it was due to Grant and I tearing it to shreds constantly. I guess if you’re as ruthless as us and have some funny friends to watch it with, you might get a kick out of this too.
I hope you enjoyed my bitter rant, please remember to comment if you’ve seen the film and want to defend it, or join me in attacking it. If you haven’t seen it, well, don’t.